First Minister's Official residence. Angus & Mandy Macbeth: she is wandering around, looking at the decor.
Macbeth (to audience) I've just got back from the dentist. That injection made half my face numb. (rubs jaw) I've lost touch with my caring, sensitive side.
Mandy Business as usual then.
Macbeth Thanks for the sympathy.
Mandy I don't think much of this decor. The wallpaper is so last year. And the furniture looks like it came out of the ark.
Macbeth Well, as soon as Wendy moves out to her new flat, we can throw out all this rubbish and decorate.
Mandy Yes, yes, I have a few ideas... But first you need to do something about those troublemakers, the ones who are saying you shouldn't be First Minister.
Macbeth Well, I have some ideas of my own.
Mandy Like what?
Macbeth I could put them on a committee or something. Like the Community Re-engagement Access Program. That'll keep them out of mischief for a while.. They can spend five years debating, then they submit a report, then I consider it for a couple of years, then I ignore it.
Mandy It might work. But what about the MSP for Ecclesia-Magirdle[1]? He's been spreading a rumour that you had something to do with what happened to Duncan King.
Macbeth Well, I could banish him to the most wretched constituency in Scotland.
Mandy John O' Groats? East Fife?
Macbeth I was thinking of Coalburn.
(They laugh fiendishly.)
Audience Boo!
Macbeth Oh, don't you lot start. You're just a bunch of Lesmahagow layabouts.
Mandy Netherburn numpties.
Macbeth Boghead bampots.
Audience Boo!
Macbeth Away and boil your head!
Mandy Anyway, how are you getting on with your new legislation?
Macbeth Well, I'm going to reduce the school holidays to two weeks in the summer. And they have to stay open all through the winter, even when it snows. Can't have the little urchins having fun and making snowmen when they're supposed to be working.
Mandy Fair enough.
Macbeth And there will be Fixed Penalty Notices for shops which misuse the apostrophe.
Mandy Excellent.
Macbeth And you'll need to have a Standard Grade in Arithmetic to be allowed to use the word "decimate".
Mandy And "lowest common denominator", too.
Macbeth Good idea.
I'm going to make it a criminal offence for shops to sell Easter Eggs in January.
Mandy Oh, we're on a roll here.
Macbeth Plus, I'm going to have Irn Bru banned.
Mandy Um, maybe that's going too far.
Macbeth Oh, alright, but they're going to have to start spelling it properly.
Mandy Right. What else?
Macbeth Well, that's enough to be getting on with. The trick with removing people's freedoms is, you need to do it a little at a time, so they don't notice. (To audience) Is that not right?
Audience Boo!
Enter Wendy and Macduff R.
Mandy Well, if it isn't little Miss King. Hello dear. Getting ready for your flitting?
Wendy Yes, but you don't need to look so happy about it.
Macduff We know you've had your eye on this place for ages.
Wendy We know it wasn't burglars who killed my father.
Macduff We just don't have any proof, yet.
Macbeth Are you suggesting something?
Macduff No.
Macbeth Don't you try to threaten me, young man. And as for you, young lady, you shouldn't be going out with someone from the opposition. If your father were here now, he would forbid it.
Mandy I suppose that makes you star-crossed lovers.
Mandy and Macbeth laugh and perform a high-five.
Mandy Run along now dear, and finish your packing. Mind and take those One Direction posters with you.
Exit Wendy and Macduff R.
Macbeth Now, about the dining room...
Mandy & Macbeth exit L., plotting
Mandy I think we should knock down that wall...
Macbeth and put in a spiral staircase...
Mandy and build an extension with glass walls...
etc etc
Blackout
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